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This trim and sharp look will leave people guessing exactly which Latin American country you're from. Can pose as a billionaire Italian playboy when baseball uniform is replaced by silk suit after a night game and the bouncer won't let you in because he doesn't watch baseball.Wild and wacky trimmed, yet sharp as a miracle blade, you aren't afraid to take a gigantic hack at a 3-0 fastball, pitch high and tight or spend three and a half hours trimming outlines of flames on your cheek. Your beard symbolizes your aggressive approach at the plate and all-out approach in the field.What better way than a Hagrid-esque beard when you do a cartwheel out of the bullpen or photo-bomb the shit out of Erin Andrews. You play solid defense and stress contact not power. You're work ethic and preparation make up for your lack of elite athleticism.When you're not watching film, you're trimming your bristles to the proper length every morning.Either indicating that you're somehow too hipster for the Bay Area or you just got back from an audition to be in the GEICO Caveman commercial, it's probably just that you're too indie for hormones.Or could it be to avoid the dreaded postgame interview to sneak out of the stadium in street clothes to look like the panhandler I just gave a quarter to after I parked?
Now, what was a symbol of masculine dominance is more associated with eighteen month wilderness excursions, the Stanley Cup playoffs, Dos Equis commercials or homelessness.Looking more like a cast member of "Sons of Anarchy" rather than a major league baseball player, the wearer of this hair chin is often a late-inning reliever. For this trashy trend, we all thank you Jeff Bagwell. Because the truth is without a half-foot chin goatee with braids, you look more like a tax accountant than a dominating closer.The goal is to scare the piss out of opposing batters, and apparently small children too, while busting down the bullpen door with 'Hells Bells' blaring in the stadium PA. And truthfully, you only have two sub-par pitches in your repertoire.It could be a good look..you were trying out as Cro-Magnon man at the Museum of Science. There may very well be a day when scraggly, unkempt beards are in style but that day will not be in this century. As evidenced by every single damn player in the pile of 1980s Topps baseball cards in my attic.Or if you were a CIA agent going undercover in a Taliban training camp. I hope the GM includes scissors in your next contract. All you need to do is pull out your dad's wedding photos to see that in the not-so-distant past, white guys were actually able to pull off a thick batch of hair on their upper lip..nothing else. Take a guy like Wade Boggs (who's basically a trim and super-athletic Louis C. And just like dancing, high fashion and Michael Jackson, white people steal what other cultures make cool and turn it into something embarrassingly ridiculous. And with three million too many Caucasian staches, what once was "hip" and "suave" instantly became "awkward" and "child-molester-ey" There can only be one person and one person exactly that can pull this off and his name is Rollie Fingers.